I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
