Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
