I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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