1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
