Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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