Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize