yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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