Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Is that strawberry winking at me??
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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