I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
