my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Randomize
