She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
