it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize