You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize