i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
