Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
