Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
