3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
