Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
