it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
