Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
My bed smells like the plague
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
