New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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