Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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