Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
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