you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
