Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well I just put wine in my tea
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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