btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
