I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
