I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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