theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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