ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
