His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
