i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
