Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
