Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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