He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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