Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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