Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
