it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
