Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
