when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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