Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
