dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
