A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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