Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Randomize
