Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We need a shit load of segways right now
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
