so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
