Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
