fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Randomize
