We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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