2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Please, let me fuck your mom
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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