She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
