i need an iv and a liver transplant
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
