How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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