if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize