My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
