im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
