I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
