hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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