when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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