some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
