I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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