cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
